I remember a scene in the movie "Look Who's Coming to Dinner" where the character portrayed by the lead actor, Sidney Poitier, was speaking to his parents. His father was admonishing him for what had transpired at dinner as the Poitier's (black) character and his fiance (a white woman) announced their plans of marriage to their parents. At the time when mixed couples (and marriages) were uncommon and presented dilemmas to families even in cases where both sides were educated and living in comfort. What caught my attention was the script where the actor snapped back at his father after the latter said something about the hard work and sacrifices he had to make to raise his son and give him a good education. I recall the father also mentioned something about his son owing him for this. If memory serves, Poitier's character said that he didn't owe his father anything and that it was his responsibility to raise him well and provide for him. I'm not so sure about the differences in the way we think and our cultures but that statement was, in many ways, in conflict with a lot of what we believe in as Filipinos, even those who are living abroad. Of course, the statement should be understood in the context of the story (in the film) but the message reverberates in some issues we face today including those recently tackled in relation to the controversial RH Bill. But that is an entirely different story I would prefer not to write about in this post.
Our concept of utang na loob is quite general in the sense that it can be corrupted but it is also a generous trait that in the right context strengthens ties among families and friends. I write about this now after a recent visit with my parents where Tatay casually mentioned some disappointments about a nephew, a niece and relatives in the south. It was the same comment I heard from him and the same ideas that came into my mind after some rather trying times in 2009. The days after Ondoy (Typhoon Ketsana) were desperate times after the floods ravaged my parents' home in Cainta. Most of their things (and mine as well that I left at my parents' home) were destroyed or damaged so much so that I think Tatay became so depressed. No help came from relatives who were in a position to extend assistance. Those who did, ironically, were those who had much less but helped in any way they could. I understand where my father's frustrations are coming from as he was the breadwinner of their family for a long time before and after he was married and had a family. Though I'm tempted to tell him that perhaps, like the movie character, a lot of these people didn't owe him anything, it is something that's better left unsaid. It is a cruel notion given that it wasn't really his responsibility to extend unconditional help to a lot of his relatives given that he already had a family and children to feed. But he did help, and as I have learned from various sources, he did so out of the goodness of his heart and without expecting anything in return. No matter the circumstances and the distance, he did his best to help out everyone who needed help and asked for help.
I am connected to our close relatives from my father's side in Facebook and I see that many are living comfortably and some, perhaps in luxury. They have good jobs, properties, are well traveled, and can afford the finer things in life. Many are abroad and are already citizens of their adoptive countries, holding foreign passports. I, too, am disappointed and sad when I think about how they seem to have forgotten about people who have sacrificed for them and who are now in need of assistance themselves. I pray that they don't experience what we have experienced and that they won't need to ask for anyone's assistance. Tatay has retired from work many years ago and just celebrated his 74th (or 75th?)
birthday. I think at this time in his life he is at a stage of
reminiscing and thinking of what has become of many people, especially
relatives who seemed to have forgotten about him. It was so easy to remember him when he was this engineer who had a good job in Manila whom you could ask for help to pay for tuition or to buy food or what have you. No one remembered or cared when he was in danger of drowning in a flood. Indeed, perhaps he only needed to know that people cared enough to remember him at the time he was down and out. A simple call perhaps would have been enough from people who benefited from his generosity. Owing is one
thing...remembering is another.
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